At the bottom is a poem that was written by, I dunno who, after 9-11. Watching the news over the last few weeks has given me lots to think about. I have lived a life that has been blessed (and cursed) abundantly with smiles, laughter, tears, love, heartache, good health, bad health, friends, family, children, a home, a job, a vehicle, ect. To make a long sentence even longer, all the things that make life comfortable and enjoyable, as well as the things that have shown me my strengths, weaknesses and taught me some of life’s most valuable lessons.

Some days I feel like the world is one huge Rorschach (inkblot) test. My thoughts have been scrambled a bit of late. I have been at war in my own mind. Basic animal emotions vs. choice of actions through knowledge. The goal that I set for myself, some months ago, was to become Master of my own emotions and thoughts. To think things through and keep basic reactions to a minimum, and instead, to act according to what knowledge and logic would dictate.

I am an Aries female. We are not widely known for cold logic. Determination and intellect yes, logic no. It’s like I have had to rewire my whole psyche. It has definitely paid off. To balance off the scales I have thrown in there huge measures of love, compassion, forgiveness and empathy.

I have started working out in a gym. It’s a bare-bones, basic gym that looks like something out of a Rocky movie. I like the no-frills atmosphere. The other advantage is, it has a personal trainer there to help you. It’s great.

When I went in, He asked me what my goals were. I explained to Him that weight loss wasn’t a concern for me. I wanted to tone and strengthen. I don’t want to be an eighty year old woman that can’t walk through a grocery store or open a jar by myself. I told Him that during these last several months, I have concentrated on the mental, emotional and psychological me. I like who I am. I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be who I am. Since I have over come so many self imposed obstacles, I am ready for a new challenge.

Life for me is always looking for the next challenge, the next thrill, the next experience. I want to have a whole closet of “Been there, done that” t-shirts. Challenging myself physically is now on my list. I surprised myself at how well I was able to perform. He said I naturally have the one thing that someone cannot teach when doing weight training. I have the “form”. I have worked on having good posture for a long time. It’s helped tremendously. I have a whole new respect for the phrase, “that which does not kill you, makes you strong.”

I’m also lucky in the aspect that with my body form I carry all my weight equally. I am determined to stick with this. I will never be model thin, but that isn’t what I want any way. I want a firmer, hourglass physique. He tells me this is absolutely attainable. I never knew sore muscles could feel so good.

When I got home the other night, Cait’s was waiting on the steps for me. Someone had called the house to make sure that everyone was home. I wasn’t. There had been a fatal automobile accident. As soon as I pulled in, she broke down and cried hysterically. She just kept saying over and over again, “I thought that You were dead and I can’t live without You.” It’s odd moments like that, that really show us what the people in our lives really mean to us.

I have been busy of late. Life is so full, so many good things going on, that sometimes I have to stop and take a breath. I have thought for awhile now about printing out my journal to have a copies of it for my kids and that I might close it out. I have been surprised at the passion that some people have shown when they have urged me to reconsider this.

I have had a very humbling epiphany of late. I have been so loved my whole life, I never realized that there are people that don’t have that. Not really. It’s something that I have known in a text book sense, but not a real sense. They cannot maintain relationships or friendships because deep down, they have no idea what they are. They live in a confused emotional void of their own pain and jealousy. They live lives of lies and deceptions because they don’t know anything else. I think most people go through phases like this, but they don’t maintain them over decades or an entire lifetime.

They turn to drugs, alcohol, sexual addictions, ect. Anything and everything to create an illusion of well-being and happiness. They will defend the fact that they are happy, that they like their lives just fine thank you very much, vehemently. There are definite signs to the contrary. It’s learning to identify these signs that are the key. Do I think these people can find peace and real happiness?

Absolutely. I really am the eternal optimist. I think it’s a matter of them hitting rock bottom. To finally be so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that they see it is time for a change. They invest so much time in deceptions, manipulations, ruses, subterfuges that they finally paint themselves into a corner, and have no idea where else to go. That’s when they strike out in anger, pain, shame, not knowing what else to do. They will give up the very things in life and hold onto the destructive things with a vengeance.

In the end, it comes down to one thing and one thing alone. They believe their own lies. They come up with all kinds of excuses as to why their behavior is acceptable. It takes great courage to go searching into ones soul. We all have scary, ugly places there. It takes a lot of work to mend fences, to right wrongs. Most aren’t capable of that kind of challenge. For some it’s too much work, for some there’s too much shame, for some too much ego, the reasons go on and on. Coming out of the darkness and into the light is a terrifying and daunting endeavor. But the rewards are immeasurable.

I am so grateful for all my blessings. My relationships are stronger than they have ever been. I am more content, more secure, happier than I have ever been in my life. I have given freely of myself to many. Some have drawn that in and cherished it. Some have rejected it for many different reasons. I know to no longer take responsibility for others actions, only my own. I don’t have to play the co-dependency game anymore. I am past that. I still have oceans of love and support to offer those that are capable of accepting it without playing into all the negative characteristics that surround it. I have compassion and pity for those that don’t.

I never realized how devastating jealousy could be in someone’s life until I saw it played out in someone else‘s. It’s difficult at times, unless you are always examining things, to see cause and effect in our own lives. But when you have time, life patterns and behaviors and the ability to stand back and watch, it’s much easier to get a clearer picture.

I was like, holy moly! That emotion is consuming that person from the inside out! I was stunned when I looked at things from as many angles as I could view it. The depth of shame, pain, insecurity, jealousy have to be incalculable. Even though I was unfortunate enough to have been only one of the targets of some nasty business, I had a revelation.

I have the luxury of being able to be generous. I’m not the one that has to stew in the juices of my deceptions. I’m not the one that has to create even more lies to try and cover the ones that have already been told (some straight out, others by omission). I don’t have to live with a bitter hateful creature lurking inside, maiming others from pain and frustration.

Karma has been whispering to me about this situation. His advice is simple. “Allow yourself only pity and compassion, sass. Stay true to your beliefs and you will keep a clean slate with Me.”

My son was talking to me about a situation in His life. He said, “You know mom, God works in mysterious ways. Things aren’t always as they appear, but if you wait long enough, the weirdest things come out of it. And it’s all good!”

He’s right. We all reap the seeds that we sow. All things happen in there appointed season. Seeds of love and trust, seeds of odium and deception take time to grow. One brings forth sweet and satisfying fruit, the other brings forth a bitter and poisonous fruit. Enjoy the luxury of generosity, but do it wisely. Prune out the weeds when you must. Don’t let them choke out the beauty from your garden.

My wish for you is a garden of sweet fruits sprinkled abundantly with the wildflowers of laughter, joy, mirth, loyalty and bushels and bushels of true friendship.

Til next time...Love sassy v

© sassy vixen1 2005